I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
