Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
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the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
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I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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