I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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