You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
