I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
