Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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