I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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