I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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