mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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