I cannot find my penis.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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