You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
