the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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