He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
