I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I will be naked everywhere
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
