Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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