Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
my poor anus
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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