Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
