I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Randomize
