She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
