New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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