I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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