a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
