call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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