just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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