Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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