Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
