I want to have your abortion
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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