i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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