Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
