I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
