she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
