I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
