Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
