went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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