I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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