So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
