cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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