just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
