I think my fart just growled at me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
