I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
