to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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