I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
