Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
