in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
