I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
