I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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