That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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