My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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