last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You may now shotgun with the bride
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
