We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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