You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
