New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
