I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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