I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
