none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
