Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
