addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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