i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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