By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
