Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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